EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST, vol. 1 (09-20-01)

hello...in light of the terrible virus that had infected my computer and the
delightful string of disasters that then followed, i find this to be the
opportune time to introduce my latest practice: making fun of east texans...
this'll be my periodical newsletter/update/rant/iloveyou's...plus, i want to
get everyone's trust back after my virus (i hope no one felt it's wrath)...i'm
currently involved in the lengthy process of finding the perp and rig and,
when i find him, i'll recreate his harddrive with a sledgehammer...i mean
this...and him? well, i'll just leave him with a brisk slap across the face...
in front of his mother...all is well, well, uh, yeah, all is well here...just
got in from vacation and thanks to the kindness of a boy named tim, i've
gotten my computer back to normal...but, alas ("alas" being my new favorite
transition), i've fallen victim to many an idiot the last few days which has
prompted this action...and now, along to the beginning, THE FIRST INSTALLMENT
of the ALMIGHTY EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST...

*some you might find are not just east texas idiots but they could very well
be "northern idaho idiots" or "texas panhandle idiots" or "central arkansas
idiots"--i understand this, i just like to make it sound like these idiots are
exclusive to this area 

*i mean not to offend the really cool people i've met since i've been down
here...to you all, you know you got some really messed up folk down here...
things just ain't right... 

*bear with me, people...i need to do this because, well, it's my way of
purging, letting it out (my psychologically-sound and lovely girlfriend
encourages me to do so and i think she's getting tired of me)...it's a healthy
excercise in communication... 

*do these sentiments reflect the feelings of my lovely girlfriend? well, no,
not really...i'm just uptight, that's all... 

*does this mean i'm unhappy? no, not at all...i'm doing fine...prospering as
any good wyrick would... 

*when do we get to start, j3ph? right now... 

to start it off, we will inspect the actions of subject no. 1: 

SUBJECT NO. 1 
i drop my lovely girlfriend off at albertsons to go in and get a book of
stamps (let me just add that this is the fella that prompted the entire idea
of the list) and while i'm going to park and wait for my girlfriend to return
(as i'm the type of guy that NEVER parks in a fire lane or does the one: "oh,
she's going to come back out in a sec so i'm going to block traffic") and when
i park Axl, a man hops out of a his car and lights a cigarette and continues
walking toward the entrance...my lovely girlfriend comes out a few moments
later and says, "this man was standing inside of the albertsons entrance just
smoking a cigarette. i was in line at customer service and i looked over and
saw this man just puffin away on a cigarette and he was standing there like no
one could stop him"...apparently, the man had some problems and maybe the fact
that he was an EAST TEXAS IDIOT was only the beginning of it...my lovely
girlfriend said that he looked slightly psycho so as soon as my lovely
girlfriend's butt hit the seat, we dashed out of there fearing the worst for
albertsons...

SUBJECT NO. 2 
now, this one is quite complicated to explain so get me one detail at a
time...i'm walking into work today and this i hear a car pulling up behind me
so i move up to the sidewalk and allow the approaching automobile to pass...
when i turn to absorb my surroundings, i see a car moving what i estimate at
about 7 miles an hour and the car door begins to open and when that car door
opens a see the right leg of a boy that i estimate at about 12 or 13 years old
and at the very same time i hear the father jokingly say, "do it! do it!" and
i start wondering instantly what "it" is...i just brace for a split second and
i see the boy's door open more widely then, in the course of well, a matter of
seconds really, the boy attempts to catch his footing on the moving pavement
and falls flat on his face, the impact causes his legs to nearly fold over his
back and a smack (like clapping hands) pierces the air...bewildered and
stunned i look at the boy and his father as he does what he should've done
about three seconds ago: STEP ON THE BRAKES and i notice that both of them are
laughing...it seems that they must have been discussing on the way up there
about hopping out of a moving car or something and, well, i guess the boy told
his father something like "i bet i can do it" and then the father says "i bet
you can't" and then i come in around the "do it! do it!" part and "it" is the
absolutely reckless (on both the parent and the participating boy's part)
act...i, uh, well, i don't know if this is supposed to be exactly funny, but
in the instant i felt to be, at the very least, an entertain diversion, but
then later, i was a bit distraught over the whole deal...anyhow, the boy hops
to his feet and then sprints inside (probably to hide his embarrassment)...
why would a man encourage his son to jump from a moving automobile (just
imagine being dropped from about five feet above from an operating treadmill
and expected to catch your footing) and risk, well, undoubtable injury? it's
obvious, he's an EAST TEXAS IDIOT...

SUBJECT NO. 3a 
some of you might know about my lovely girlfriend's battle with car batteries
lately...if not, it's not necessary, you'll be able to catch on...seems that a
large retailer here in tyler (screw it: IT'S WALMART) has been dealing my
lovely girlfriend bad car batteries, or well, insufficient product...well,
after an exchange and then a REALLY EXPENSIVE BATTERY at the dealership, we
end up having a battery that we have no use for (unless we could possibly use
it to smash the freakoid's computer that sent me the virus)...we take it up to
the customer service desk (i equate the customer service line to the DMV or,
well, have you ever had to handle a parking ticket at municipal court in
lubbock? that's what it's like)...the woman at the desk looks at the receipt,
then looks at the battery, then looks at the receipt, then looks at the
battery, then looks at the receipt, then looks at the battery, then looks at
the receipt, then looks at the battery, then looks at the receipt, then looks
at the battery, then looks at the receipt, then looks at the battery and then
i'm wondering if she's human and then she looks at the receipt again and asks,
"what's wrong with it?"...uh, well, we paid good money for it and it doesn't
work (kinda like this woman that's helping us--oops, did i say "helping us"?)
...she then tells us to go back to automotive...enter:

SUBJECT NO. 3b stage left 
what's worse then the mindless beings that work at the customer service
counter at walmart? the mindless beings that work at the automotive counter at
walmart...this fella, we'll call him "chad" to, well, that's really his
name...and if you see him, tell him the guy with sideburns that argued with
him for 5 minutes (would've been 15 if we didn't have to wait for him to end
his personal phone conversation that seemed to be much more interesting than
my lovely girlfriend and i) said "i love walmart and i shop there because of
their customer service: JUST LIKE IN THE COMMERCIAL!"...well, this crumb
continues to contest that walmart can not give us our money back but can
exchange it for another battery...we don't need the battery but that doesn't
seem to make any difference...he continues to push that even if it's a perfect
battery that has never been used that HE CANNOT DO ANYTHING BUT EXCHANGE IT...
no refund at all...my lovely girlfriend starts to nip at him for a few and
then i ask him again, "so you just want us to trade in bunk product for bunk
product and, not only that, but bunk product that we have no use for?"...he
nods his head...now, my mother always urges me to be a more assertive
individual in times like this SOOOOOOO, she'd be way proud of me here...i say
to this nincompoop, "look, certainly you've dealt with this before...can we
get store credit? (which i think my lovely girlfriend would have settled for)"
...he shakes his head "no"...i return with "and we can't get a refund?" and he
says "normally, we don't give refunds on any sort of car battery"...ooh, the
gift of language!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! did you get the
operative word there? for those wondering what i'm getting at, the word is
"normally"...thus meaning that under normal circumstances there would be no
way that we'd get our money back but CHAD (man, i wish i knew his last name so
i could prank call him at this hour) has made exceptions before and that we
might stand a chance at being one of those exceptions...you see, CHAD didn't
mean to make that mistake, but he's not dealing with a EAST TEXAS IDIOT here!
no, he's dealing with a good ol WEST TEXAS EMBICILE (much more powerful in
language skills and excells in debate and argument)...we go back and forth for
a few more seconds and then he circles the item on the receipt with his
initials (i think his second initial was "h", i'ma go fetch my phone book) in
defeat...two reasons why this jerky is an EAST TEXAS IDIOT...1) for trying to
argue with me and 2) for showing his cards too soon...one word got him in
trouble with me..."normally"...all his other words would've meant his demise
had he not granted us our due refund...so then we're back to:

SUBJECT NO. 3a 
the woman (all this comes by way of my lovely girlfriend because at this time
i was searching for some squash) looks at my lovely girlfriend and the receipt
and then pulls the appropriate money out of the register and then gives it to
my lovely girlfriend...then my lovely girlfriend asks the woman if there's
anything else and the woman just looks at my lovely girlfriend, then at the
receipt, then at the open register, then at the receipt, then at my lovely
girlfriend and then at the receipt, then at her watch, then at the register,
then at my lovely girlfriend who she caught just in time to hear her say,
"nevermind, forget it" with money in hand and back turned to the customer
service desk and making way to the produce section...customer service? no, i
think they should call it "where we pay underqualified individuals to drag
their feet and act stupid (at least, i hope she was acting) while
inconveniencing all the cool people in the world when all you want is to go
about their business and not be bothered by a 40 dollar car battery that came
from a company that makes billions of dollars a year yet can't pay us anymore
and considers hiring and retaining competent and able employees to be quite a
waste of money as opposed to selling things like dog figurines with wobbling
heads that fit nicely on your dashboard and, moreover, dedicating an entire
display to these wonderful products that probably came from a sweat shop in
taiwan where some eight year old gets paid in american pennies and for an
entire day's amount of work" (ps, they sell for 97 cents, whatta bargain!)...
yeah, i think that would look really good on a sign instead of CUSTOMER
SERVICE...WALMART in tyler makes my list, wow...that's like taking on the
government...

more later... 

and, on last week's matter: their are much larger and more dangerous idiots in
this world: those who attempted to disable us and those who assume that all
muslims are harmful individuals...agree with their philosophies and outlooks
or not, TOLERANCE is what is going to keep this from being a civil war...let's
not lose sight of the enemies and treat our neighbors with the tolerance and
love...i'm not a member of the KKK and not all afghanistanians are associated
with the taliban...let's stop acting like EAST TEXAS IDIOTS and evolve...and
for all those tyler residents who find that bigotry and hatred is the best way
to fight and you'll willingly defend your country on your own soil with your
hunting rifle, a few molotov cocktails and a chain on the back of your pickup,
you've been on my list since i got down here...spread peace, tolerance and
understanding...let the rest be handled by our government and hope and pray
their making the most prudent decisions...i'm done soapboxing for tonight...
i hope all of you are well...

-j3ph@msn.com-