EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST, vol. 2 (09-23-01) okay, kids...i, well, i was at work today and i ran into too many idiots to wait until thursday to run this piece, so you all are gettin a nice SUNDAY EDITION of the EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST...kinda like when you pour drano down the commode and then it all falls through very nicely, that's what happened to me tonight...i really wanted to wait to make you all starve a little for it and, plus, i can't write these at quite this pace, but, without further a due: EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST, vol. 2... my 4th and 5th subject i'm filing under the category of "WHAT'S MY RACE AGAIN?" SUBJECT NO. 4: just today (a sunday no less) i was threatened up at work, by a customer...it's true...here's the background: there's a rap record label that puts out really bad music called SWISHAHOUSE (don't ask me, i don't know what the name means, it's not my label)...this label houses such act as dj screw (a "dj" who, somehow, made a living taking his buddies rap albums, and would slow it down to about half speed and would re-record them, re-distribute them and name them "<>, SCREWED AND CHOPPED", and his work has become ALL THE RAVE to the easy to please rap market of tyler texas [and, well, abroad as well], why? how? i don't know, but it works for these people, they buy it, i sell it and i get their money--oh, and RIP DJ SCREW, he died in true rap artists fashion: OD'ed on "sizzurp" [a lethal street beverage containing a mixture of codeine, cough syrup and some sort of alcohol, i believe malt liquor--YUMMY!]), big moe, mr. this, mr. that, lil boo, lil whack rap artists, big choochoo, blah, blah blah...anyhow, they're based out of houston and if you've heard their stuff before, you'd know from the piercing pain you get in the back of your head when it enters your system...it's really bad music...low quality blah... you with me? okay, so greg (who's just been added to my mailing list, welcome greg) and i were stocking rap cds today and i notice a cd of a latin rap artist named ILLEGAL (the other part, i can't remember...the name doesn't really matter) but when i look at the cd, he's holding up a box of SWISHER SWEETS...swisher sweets, for those who do not know are a cigar popularized by their sweet taste, hence the name and well, among rappers and "blunt" enthusiasts, it's cool to empty out the tobacco and then fill it up with marijuana and smoke it (no, mom, don't even think that...i just know these things)...well, upon noticing the image of this fella on the cover of his album endorsing SWISHER SWEETS, i say to greg, "wow, i'm sure that's an unauthorized use of the name and likeness of SWISHER SWEETS. you know he didn't pay to use a box of SWISHER SWEETS on his album cover." i continue, "you know, the SWISHER family would probably hunt him down with a cigar cutter and take off everyone of his fingers, mafia style" (i know, i apologize, probably more than anyone would care to imagine--actually i'm thinking about a scene in DARKMAN, some of you will remember--you know, the slow guy from LA LAW?) and it seems that my sentiments caught the ear of a nearby SWISHAHOUSE fan (SWISHAHOUSE and SWISHER being totally unrelated, i believe) and the little thug white boy, with yankees cap tilted to the side, walks up to me and asks, "are you all talking about SWISHAHOUSE?" and i reply laughing with greg, "no, man. i was just talking about this guys album cover" and then gringo goes on to say, "yeah, well, you don't need to be talking about SWISHAHOUSE like that, man. talking like that can get your [rear] kicked" and then he kinda walks away glaring at me over his shoulder real threatenly... okay, what's wrong with this situation, people? first off, you'll notice that not only was i not talking to him, i was also not talking about SWISHAHOUSE... and, even i was, why is vanilla ice threatening me? maybe he's the head of the SWISHAHOUSE street team or maybe eminem was just backing his favorite artist, i'm not sure...now, i could make some really unfair assumptions about this guy (wait, i already have, oh well) but the fact remains, in the time it takes for this guy to process a simple thought (like, "do i even like mayonnaise?"), i've added him to my EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST...he's probably at home right now starting to pursue his rap career, looking for a phrase to rhyme with "smoke pot" or "low rider"... wow, that one was long...okay, onto SUBJECT NO. 5: this one is from the vaults and thanks to carl's assistance, he'll be forever archived and honored in the EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST...okay, i'm at work and this really angry looking white man walks up to me (topped out with the chinos, the late model adidas, doo rag, and really edgy ear piercing) and says, "ayo, can you help me, bro" (i'm not your "bro", dude, i think to myself)..."yes, my pleasure", actually, it was "what do you want?"...he continues, "there's this old E40 song (E40 being a mediocre gangsta rapper popular from mid-90s to present) where these two dudes are selling [stuff] out of their trunk and then this cop comes up and they go, 'yo, [pleasantry] you, [various other pleasantries] pig!' and then they shoot him" and he does all this with hand motions signing a hand gun in the gangsta-style tilt and then he makes a gun sound effect for me which was just SO entertaining "pop, pop, pop, pop!" he says, increasing his volume and attracting the attention of some nearby customers...so, stunned by his performance, i ask to clarify what he's looking for (also a lovely chance to get smart with him), "so you're looking for an E40 song where a cop gets shot?" and, he looks at me a little confused and says, "well, yeah, and then there's some bass." the bass he's referring to is not the instrument, but the hum you hear when you pull up to a stoplight and you start thinking it's your transmission and then you start recognize a defined pattern of some sort and then you notice your rear view mirror shaking, but as you look in the mirror, you notice a little lowriding nissan behind you with more chrome on the front end that is even necessary... okay, uh, hold on...i gotta think about this one... i return, "so you're looking for a song in which a cop gets shot and then there's some bass?" and he's says, "yeah, yo, it ain't gotta be E40, yo, just something like that."...have you all had enough yet? okay, let me tighten the screws a little more on this idiot...what makes this situation worse? him being loud and doing hand signals of a gun and then providing me with sound effects AS WELL AS a wonderful rendition of E40's sentiments toward policemen OR the fact that he did all of this with his baby girl in the other arm! i mean, i assume it was his...now, i want all of you to print this out immediately and carry it in your back pocket or in your purse and if you ever start wondering about what's wrong with the world, take out this and read to yourself...i laugh at this guy because, well, i figure you have to have a sense of humor about some stuff or you'd lose your mind, but at the same time, mc vanilla ice hard core has some serious issues...SERIOUS ISSUES...one of them being his racial identity crisis, another being the mouth he chooses to speak with around his baby girl, another being violent tendencies, another being his lavender doo rag and yet another being his choice of media consumption...is that all it takes for you to drop 15 dollars on a cd, if it has a cop getting shot and then some bass? wow...i mean, there's some awesome stuff out there!!! artists, musicians, authors spend entire lifetimes sculpting, writing, dreaming, brainstorming and have given us remarkable literature, amazing albums of all styles, mind-blowing movies and much of this stuff is available to wanting consumers around the world for sometimes less than you would pay for a meal at mcdonalds and this guy's willing to drop 15 dollars on an album as long as it has 1) a cop getting shot and killed and 2) some bass...hmm...i've bought some bad albums in my day, but if i ever by an album in which my purchase is justified by two reasons as silly and as pathetic as this, someone punch me in the face hard and make sure i bleed profusely... and then explain to me that the feeling i'm experiencing as i weep and fall to the ground in crippling pain, is probably more satisfying than listening to that crap... and cheaper... okay, everyone still awake? SUBJECT NO. 6: the dale earnheardt superfan in the gigantic red dodge ram pickup (i think it was a 2001, license plate: G7Y-2TF) that thought that i wanted to race him on the way home from work...next time, take the romantic comedy over dragging your girlfriend to see FAST AND THE FURIOUS for the seventh time...plus, axl knows only two speeds: interstate and loc'ed out g-ridin (that's a joke)...axl don't race... kids, that's it...hope everyone has a fine evening...and week...and don't be an idiot... *to be removed, reply and type "remove" in the subject *to send a gift subscription to the only list that matters, reply and type "additions to your recipient list" in the subject and put the addresses in the body *for past volumes, reply and put "send vol. " in the subject *all other inquiries, keep to yourself... -j3ph@msn.com-