EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST, vol. 3 (10-03-01) ah...how is everyone? well, it's business as usual here...i've had a week thick (overflowing) with encounters with the my little idiots...and, many, we'll leave for further eggs in baskets...tonight, i share with you all, a tale from the laundromat (also see A SANCTUARY FOR IDIOTS) and what happens when you wanna throw a free concert for the people of east texas, support local artists and you're landlord is an idiot? well, it's all for your reading (including a couple of bonus idiots that i'm throwing in for free)...and, now, without further ado: EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST, vol. 3... SUBJECT NO. 7a: i swore it said laundromat...i really swore it did...but when i enter, to my surprise, i'm surrounded with idiots...A CONVENTION OF NINCOMPOOPS, MEADS...actually, it should come of no surprise...my lovely girlfriend and i enter the laundromat on a pleasant sunday afternoon and everything is all systems go after we load up the washers and drop our money into the machines but then i notice puddles of detergent all over the machine and i advise my lovely girlfriend to "pay attention to what she's doing" and then she notices that the 50 gallon container of detergent (i know, it's not fifty gallons, but when you're carrying it, IT MOST DEFINITELY FEELS LIKE IT) has a small leak in the bottom...NO PROBLEM...so i employ my boy scout, odyssey of the mind problem solving techniques and i send my lovely girlfriend to the counter to retrieve a bag to put it in...she returns with a huge garbage bag and i say, "okay, that'll work" thinking that we didn't necessarily need something that big..."she charged me a dime for it"... confused, i ask, "that lady charged you ten cents for this bag?"...okay, bear with me, because i'm one of those guys that believes in doing others favors and well, i didn't see a posted price on garbage bags...i mean, i work in at a business where everything has a barcode and that barcode must be scanned and that product must be paid for before it leaves the store and, when it leaves the store, it shows that the product has left the store and then when our distributor knows that the product has left the store, they order a new one and then it starts all over again...NOW, you're saying to yourself, "jeph, it's just a dime, ease up" but my point is this: if it's only ten cents (that only because you determine that's what it's worth when you're cornered and my lovely girlfriend is in desperate need of a garbage bag) as much as me complaining about that ten cents is wrong, it's also wrong to charge someone such a miniscule price for a garbage bag--ESPECIALLY WHEN IT'S NOT POSTED... now, if it said, "garbage bag: $.10"--NO SWEAT...so, we all know what happens when my lovely girlfriend gives this idiot a dime, she just puts it in her pocket...thing is this: that's a dime that i might be searching for when my car's broken down on the side of the road trying to call home (no, i'm not cellular--more idiots in the CELLULAR EDITION) or i need to feed my wanting belly, but i a dime short of covering the tax on a whopper at BK...call me cheap, tell me to relax...fine, i'm venting, it's healthy...not only is this woman an idiot reluctant to help someone out of the goodness of heart, but she's a cheap idiot too(if that means i'm cheap, then i can live with that)... oh, and it's all good anyway because not only did she make my list, but we made a mess that takes about $.50 of labor to clean up so, it's all good... sure, garbage bags ain't free, but courtesy is...(wink, wink)... SUBJECT 7b: i would've really wanted to save this for a mother's day edition, but out of fear of that being a little distasteful, i'll drop it now... understand this, i'm not a mother (gosh, i hope not or something's gone terribly wrong) and i know it's probably the toughest job in the world...after seeing what my mother and my stepmother's gone through to get me here, i know it's difficult, but when i see someone giving almost no effort at all, it throws my idiot alarm in to full swing...i know i'm walking on thin ice with the mothers on my list and i'll apologize prior into diggin in...i love all of you...man, i'm full of love! okay, here it is...my first run in with this idiot (i'm sparing the kid of ending up on my list just because of his age, which i estimate at about 3, maybe younger)...timmy, we'll call him (while the mother, in true east texas fashion calls him, so intimately, "bubba") is twirling like a madman on the pole extending from the floor to the ceiling and i don't want to knock the kid over and he's in my path so i pause for enough time for mother to step in and stop the kid, move him out of the way so i can pass by, but then i notice her just smiling at him and then looking up at me, then back at the kid...it's here that i notice i'm not going to get any help from the mother (enter my long, dark venture into motherhood through the eyes of an idiot)...i kinda maneuver my way by bubba and the mother looks on and hopes that a simple "sorry" will suffice...okay, if you were really sorry, you would've helped me out while ol boy was having his way with the pole like a wild freaking banshee...okay, i'm done...oh, but wait, no i'm not... the mother starts loading her clothes into a dryer RIGHT NEXT TO MINE...oh, this is far from over... (TIME LAPSE, approximately a day from when i began writing this piece) bubba runs over with a buddy, a little girl maybe a year older than him and their reign of terror over the laundromat continues all right in front of the eyes of my lovely girlfriend and i that look on in fear of what's next (okay, maybe it was just me)...bubba and [we'll just call her] girl walk over to an open dryer and girl begins swinging the door as to tempt bubba to put his body in front of the swinging door, just urging him to...bubba sticks his hand out IN PERFECT POSITION to get smashed, mutilated by the heavy dryer door... luckily, girl didn't let go of the door or it would of been undoubtedly problems for bubba's hand...where's the mother? oh, she's looking on from five feet away, not sensing the danger that bubba's recklessness and the carelessness of his friend, girl.... then, the sheer annoyance, OH THE ANNOYANCE! you see, on my day off, i don't like to hear other peoples' kids because, well, i have to tolerate their shrieks and screams and crying every day of the week except for my day off... again, i know, i'll probably have kids one day, but until i do: SILENCE... (unless of course, it's family and then it's permitted)...otherwise, enjoy your kid, love your kid, but not at the expense of others...my headache swells to a numbing size and intensity...meanwhile, bubba runs up and down the line of dryers putting his hand on the glass doors and saying, "hot"..."hot"... "hot"..."hot"..."hot"...and i'm thinking that if you're a mother and you hear your two year old mention the following words, you drop what you're doing and find that kid: "hot", "uh oh", "ouch" (and other variations: ouchie, ow, etc.), "gun", "bang", and, well you get the point...what's mom doing, you ask? watching bubba tear back and forth (in my way, might i add) without any reprimanding at all...okay, bubba, here's where you put your hand on mommy and say, "idiot"... you know those baskets in laundromats: they're a basket on four wheels and have a hanging rod extending about three to four feet above it so you can hang clothing and then throw clothes in the basket below it...well, bubba managed to find one and, after barreling through the laundromat, plowing through anything in his way, he pulls it up in front of his mother and begins to climb into it...now, i'm no genius, but when you look at bubba, feet about two feet off the ground, waist up in the basket, waist down hanging outside of it, trying his hardest to swing the rest of his body up into the basket, THIS JUST DOESN'T SEEM SAFE...and, especially when it's on wheels...if this thing toppled over on bubba, we're talking serious injury so, naturally, any parent would be alarmed, right? i'm kinda standing by because i certainly don't want bubba to get hurt and i want to be there if something happens kinda fearing that something will, i mean, bubba didn't ask to be born to an idiot...mother watches on, leaning tiredly on the countertop...i just wanted to say to the mother that, "that's not cute or funny, that's dangerous"... before this whole adventure is over, i had seen bubba swing from the bars below a tall folding table, seen him take and eat food from a total stranger and almost open my dryer door while in operation (which would, of course, send all my clothes cycloning out onto the floor)... i've got one eye on the mother and one on bubba and the entire time, the mother's got this confused, kinda half smiling and half crying sickening grimace (like the face you make when someone tells a bad joke and you don't want to waste the breath to laugh, but you don't want to leave the fella with nothing so you muster up some sort of potty smile in hopes of communicating that you kinda liked the joke, but you've heard better--that's the type of look she had, i don't maybe, that's just how her face was)...she actually reminded me of those women who appear on maury povich when their fifteen year old is a drug-abusing, sexually-promiscuous, loudmouth who comes out flipping off the entire studio audience in a hail of obscenities and then the mother says some cheap, cop out like, "i can't spank her because they'll take me to jail."...where it seems like if she spanked her kid in the first place, she wouldn't end up on maury povich embarrassing the entire family...well, that's probably where bubba's heading (either maury povich or a future volume of the EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST)... i'm about done ranting because i'm sure i've dug myself a hole big enough for ten of me, i just want to say, "i love my mother because she gave me time and raised as best she knew"...and you all should too...because behind every good person, is a good woman (man, it sounds like i'm trying to pull myself outta something)...as far as this idiot at the laundromat, i hope, for bubba's sake at the very least, that her parenting skills turn around drastically and quickly...i'm done... oh, and now onto: SUBJECT NO. 8: the landlord that owns the property on which my employer is located just denied my permission to hold a concert out in the parking lot in which we would rope off part of the parking lot and feature three (or up to four) hardworking, hardplaying local artists/groups looking for some exposure citing that "since it would be in the parking lot, he would be liable for any injuries that occurred"...there's not alot of background that you need for this story...the fact is this guy was looking for anyway to make sure that kids weren't having fun in tyler, tx...he also mentioned that he feared a "traffic problem" and i asked him what bothered him more the possibility of a traffic problem or the chance of injury and he said, "i think they go hand in hand, i mean, what if a pedestrian got hit by a car passing through the parking lot"...what if, sir, a pedestrian could get hit in any parking lot of any business at any time of day...it's not like we were asking to have it on i-20...this guy's not fearing a law suit, this guy's just not wanting anyone to be able to let their hair down on his property and, well, that's fine...as long as i can add him to my EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST...(my sincerest apologies to ELEMENT EIGHTY, END OF JULIA and NATHAN SINGLETON...would've been nice...now i know what you kids go through...i still think you all rock)... SUBJECT NO. 9: another short tale from hastings...a girl walks up to me with a tool (being the name of the band) cd which is, due to content, is stickered with the famed parental advisory warning...now, it's hastings policy to tag any parental advisory cd with the "18 to purchase" sticker...if you've been into a hastings, you've probably seen this sticker...she brings it up to me, oh, wait, she's about 17, i imagine...she asks me, "so how much would this be?" and i ask her, "with tax and all?" and she says, "no, there's two prices on it." and i quickly realize her mistake..."no, this 18 to purchase sticker is referring to your age" and she says, "oh really? okay. so i can't get it?" and i ask her the obvious question, "are you 18?" and she says, "no" and then i say, "then, no, you can't purchase it."...okay, for clarification purposes to anyone on my list that might be confused by this: "18 to purchase" does not mean you must have 18 dollars to purchase the cd...everyone clear? and, beyond that, this idiot manages to waste more of my time by the idiotic dialogue that followed starting with, "so i can't get this?"...see, i know 5 year olds that can process this information quicker and more complete than this girl...you see, all that meaningless dialogue that was required for this girl to understand that she could not get this cd was a complete and shameful waste of my precious time...that's time that i could've used to write the next line that is, well, perfectly justified: THE REASON WHY MY LABOR IS SO HIGH AND MY SALES ARE SO LOW (which, actually, my sales aren't so bad) IS BECAUSE I SPEND SO MUCH TIME ANSWERING QUESTIONS LIKE THIS AND DOING FAVORS FOR IDIOTS...DURING THE COURSE OF THE DAY, I SEE THIS ABOUT TEN TIMES AN HOUR, EIGHT HOURS A DAY...THAT'S AT LEAST EIGHTY MINUTES AND THAT'S EIGHTY MINUTES THAT THE COMPANY IS PAYING ME (sort of paying me) TO DO PERTINENT (sort of pertinent) WORK THAT, SOONER OR LATER (usually sooner) I WILL GET EVALUATED ON BY HOW MUCH WORK I DO IN A GIVEN AMOUNT OF TIME AND WHEN I'M WASTING EIGHTY MINUTES A DAY, SIX HOURS A WEEK ANSWERING STUPID QUESTIONS, THAT'S MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF TIME THAT MEAN THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A RAISE THUS ALLOWING ME TO PAY RENT, BILLS AND CAR LOANS MORE EASILY...don't bother me unless you have a very important question...i gotta life to live...so idiots don't just slow down commerce... SUBJECT NO. 10: my door-slamming, hard partying neighbor...he should've seen it coming...i tolerate his crap day in and day out...and his addition to the list comes right after he threw a party last weekend that apparently could be heard by the legally deaf roommate of the girl below me...AMAZING...such a lack of regard for the people around you will not only get you evicted (hopefully, i'm holding my breath until it happens) but it will land you as the dimepiece on my EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST and while his truck was purchased in the dallas area, he's east texas now...oh, by the way, this is the same guy that asked me one night if i had seen his girlfriend because he, and i quote, "lost my girlfriend"...she's back now, so i can laugh about it freely...oh, as i write, he's returned from wherever making it known to me by almost knocking wall hangings from the nail they hang on...just on the other side of the wall behind me rests SUBJECT NO. 10, he has no idea... HONORABLE MENTION...in defense of ryan (tattoo boy, member of the cooblachan tribe), i find it only fitting two add two more idiots two this list, but we'll leave them both with honorable mentions for reasons that will go unmentioned but understood... love to all! and don't be an idiot... again, if you're missing an issue, reply and tell me which one...i'll be happy to send it to you... *to be removed, reply and type "remove" in the subject *to send a gift subscription to the only list that matters, reply and type "additions to your recipient list" in the subject and put the addresses in the body *for past volumes, reply and put "send vol. " in the subject *all other inquiries, keep to yourself... -j3ph@msn.com-