EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST, vol. 4 (07-28-02) okay, well, i thought i was done...i mean, since the last time i did this, i got engaged, married, am happy, content, loving life (in short)...but despite all this, there's still idiots out there...and, well, i'm bringing it back...i can't tell you for how long, but at least enough time to get this moron on the list... so enjoy the story of SUBJECT NO. 11: i'm at work gleefully cleaning my department and i notice an empty cd case with a wrapper nearby matching the product...a gospel cd...wha? someone stole a gospel cd? geez...shame!!!!!! oh the shame! you see, christian cds don't work like the gideon's bible in hotel rooms...you have to actually pay for cds in our store (although there's a group that seems to think otherwise, strange)...well, upon looking at the tag, i notice that it says "special order" meaning that we had ordered this for a specific person and, well, in that we have to gather their information so that we can notify them when their order arrives...meaning, all i have to do is look this product up in the computer and i can tell you exactly who ordered it... yes, it does get better. so, i simply look up the product in the computer and up comes the name, address and phone number for a, well, let's call him: ROBERT DEWS...so i dial up his number and a woman answers and it goes like this: me: "yes, may i please speak to robert dews?" her: "who dis?" me: "this is j3ph up at [my store], may i speak to robert dews?" her: "i'm his mother, what's this about?" me: "may i please speak to robert dews?" her: "uh, he ain't home." me: "okay, thank you." (hang up) so i wait about five minutes and call back...and it goes like this: him: "hello?" me: "robert dews?" him: "yeah, who dis?" me: "hey, robert, this is j3ph up at [my store]." him: "uh, yeah?" me: "yeah, i was just calling tonight to make sure you picked up your special order without a problem." him: "yeah, uh, i got it." me: "okay, good because when i was cleaning up my department i noticed an empty cd case and the wrapper off of the exact product that you ordered and, well, it was being held under your name and it's the only copy that i have on-hand and, well, to be honest with you, it doesn't look very good." him: "uh, okay." me: "so you bought it?" him: "uh, yeah, i bought it" me: "and you have a receipt on it?" him: "yeah, i got a receipt." me: "and when i track the sales on that title tomorrow, it'll show that we sold one on saturday, right?" him: "uh, i guess." me: "okay, good, thank god because i really want to believe that you aren't so dumb as to steal your own special order and leave all the packaging in my department, essentially right under my nose, considering that i have all your contact information including your home address, i mean, that's silly don't you think?" him: "uh, yeah." me: "okay, well enjoy your cd, robert and i'm sorry to bother you with this little, uh, distraction and i'll look forward to seeing you in the store again soon." him: "okay." me: "alright, robert, have a good evening, buddy. bye now." so, robert, you've moronic actions will now be forever captured on the EAST TEXAS IDIOT LIST...and, thanks in large part to your incredible tale of absolute and sheer stupidity, i've actually resurrected the IDIOT LIST in your name...thank you for playing such a large role in this... SUBJECT 12: seems that a local nbc affiliate, known for taking pride in their brilliant and tactful journalism (sarcasm) has caught wind of a remarkable story...as of wednesday this week, they will air the first enstallment of "SEARCH FOR THE EAST TEXAS BIGFOOT"...yes, it's true...seems that our local news station has bought into folklore and will be bringing us this captivating story of the uncaptured...you're free to believe what you please here about the existance of sasquatch, that's fine...but deeming it as "newsworthy"...i hope for their sake they find bigfoot so i can take them off of my list, but, if at the end of this all there's no bigfoot and their not airing the series "THE SEIZURE OF THE EAST TEXAS BIGFOOT" then i'll be airing my own piece "THE DISCOVERY OF MY TWELFTH EAST TEXAS IDIOT"...you would've thought with a war going on overseas and american troops being killed on foriegn soil, a stock market seemingly on its way to hell in a handbasket, big business corruption, missing children showing up murdered, there would've been a HINT at the very least of some other pertinent news...but, i suppose, reporting on reality is much more mundane and, at times, depressing...and news is supposed to be entertaining because entertainment brings in viewers, and viewers means advertisers and advertisers means money and money means bonuses and bonuses means job well done... i better have bigfoot or at least a guy dressed in a HARRY AND THE HENDERSONS halloween costume at my door come wednesday morning...that and john lithgow... and apology from the news station for turning a cheek to tragedy and REAL LIFE which is what they should be reporting and, instead, filling their viewer's heads with this trash...again, if i don't see a bigfoot besides the famous old reel of a dark "bigfoot-like figure" long striding through the dense woods in broad daylight, the rant you just suffered through stands as is...pardon my rant...too... pam, erin and i are fine and despite our strong urge to go and rescue a small pup from the local shelter here AND a pretty hard sale from karla on some darling basset hound puppies, we are still dogless...but very happy...just not the right time... love to all... *to be removed, reply and type "remove" in the subject *to send a gift subscription to the only list that matters, reply and type "additions to your recipient list" in the subject and put the addresses in the body *for past volumes, reply and put "send vol. " in the subject *all other inquiries, keep to yourself... -j3ph@msn.com-