_ _ |_| __ ___ ___ __ |_| | | |__| |__ | |__| | | | | _| |_ | \ |___ | | | | |___ _| |_ .-| | | | _ __ ___ ___ __ __ __ __ _ | | | |-. | | | | |' | |__| |__ | |__| |__| | \ |__ | `| | | | | \ / | \ |___ | | | | \ |__/ __| \ / \ ./' `\. / |____| |____| **** a SCUMDOG ENTERTAINMENT production, Vol.1, Issue 1 -- 01/07/2002 **** **** http://scumdog.greeny.org/tardz/ **** "OKAY, IT'S NOT IDIOT LIST...(aka Let It Begin)" by j3ph it's our new project (still working on a name, i think)...but enjoy...the idiot list is temporarily out of order (due to lack of focus)...i apologize to all my fans...i promise to have more material coming out with the help of my close scumdogs...our collaboration is going to change your shopping experiences forever...we guarantee it...oh, a big hearty HELLO to phil...our long lost scumdog...representing, damn, where are you representing, phil? oh, and keg as well...assuming that his email is still correct... read on, folks, it's quite long so grab a beer, coffee, water, cola: "You enter a retail business of some sort. It really doesn't matter what store you're in or what exactly you're buying. You ask for help. You deliver the same gab you always do. All of a sudden, what the hell, the associate walks away from you. You stand there confused, bewildered, perplexed. What happened? Where did you go wrong? Chances are it's listed below. You see, there are many things you can do to aggravate a person and, in the retail arena, that list is multiplied to unspeakable proportions. Here are the top twenty. Read carefully. Learn. It'll come in handy next time you're in your favorite store. INSULTING THE ASSOCIATE I'm not really sure when this used to work, but for all the lamebrains out there that believe that this gives the associate added incentive to help you---you've been lied to. Insulting the associate usually is answered with one thing, bad service. Sure, it can be answered with many other things (i.e. a gut punch, a swift donkey kick, a clever comeback, a crotch shot, spit and so on), but all lead to the same thing and that, my friends, is an unpleasant shopping experience. Don't talk down to associates. They don't get paid enough to put up with your lip and certainly don't want to take it for the company. Usually a physical retaliation is quite rare, but you should expect the worst if you mouth off to an associate. It doesn't help a situation and it is completely uncalled for. Even if you're 100 percent right, it's uncalled for. Reason being this: bad vibes travel faster than chubby kids to the candy isle. What you deal out will come right back to you. Like slipping in your own vomit. Be cool. Associates in the retail environment take more crap than is even imaginable and you, John or Jane Q. Idiot, might very well be the breaking point. You know when you hear about people that go on rampages and do really bad things? Chances are they worked retail at one time. Walk lightly. We're ready to bite and usually are just looking for a reason. THREATEN TO TELL THE PRESIDENT OF THE COMPANY Again, let me just do everyone in retail a huge favor. When you threaten to tell the president of the company, most associates shut down. Here's why: usually to push someone to that level of unhappiness, there's nothing that can be done to remedy the situation. So with it already being a lost cause and, since, again, the associate is getting paid hardly anything anyway, do you think he/she is actually going to care about you telling the president of the company. What the customer usually hopes will happen (but hardly ever does) is the president of the company will magically appear and fire the associate on the spot and then give the customer some sort of lovely handjob so that they'll come back next week. And, for the associate, that's probably the best thing to do because then they don't have to finish their shift and can go get drunk with their friends that night. Remember, the key words here, unless it's the manager of the joint and, in their case, it can mean losing a very valuable job, associates don't really care if you send God a telegram. Just get away from them before they do something bad. THREATEN TO GO ELSEWHERE To put it simply, it would be best that you did. Then it's someone else that has to tolerate your endless whining and cursing. Going elsewhere is a good move. Let me recommend a place: hell. ASK FOR ANOTHER ASSOCIATE'S HELP This could actually get lumped into the first notion. This insults the associate and makes the associate ponder the inevitable question, "What, am I not good enough?" -- a question that is usually not dwelled on for more than three seconds before they turn around and walk the opposite direction. It doesn't matter how you say it (even the broken glass version, "Um, well, could there be anyone else that might know?" or, even better, the bluntly rude version, "Well, since you don't know shit, who in this hellhole does?"), even suggesting it is rude. Don't audibly ask his question. Just get those feet a-moving and go FIND yourself some more help. Don't be lazy, don't be rude, just be gone. ENTERING THE BUSINESS HIGH OR DRUNK No one likes to be only one at the party NOT copping a buzz. And, if you're an associate that doesn't partake in such, it's even more aggravating. Don't be a punk. Do what you do, but don't take your comedy act on the road. It was much cooler when you were hanging around the keg telling jokes than cussing and carrying on in front of a polite family of four while half in the bag. Associates just can't wait to get you stumbling out the door. Cool thing about it is this: associates have really nothing to lose because a junkie typically cannot tell if they're getting bad service so you can really toy with them if it's a slow night (things like chunking spit wads or half-chewed Milk Duds at them). But the last thing you'll get is help (at least the kind that YOU need). ASSUMING THE ASSOCIATE IS COOL WITH HATEFUL SPEECH You know the words, now here are the rules: assuming an associate is cool with your blatantly hateful outlook is extremely ignorant. As something to go forth into life with, never get comfortable using this type of language in public. Besides possibly getting you beat down, it could also get you poor service from a person you might have just insulted. Keep you slanderous speech to yourself. In fact, take it and bury it. Grow up. WHISTLE AT THE ASSOCIATE TO GET HER/HIS ATTENTION We're not pets (but our superiors treat us as such) and we're not impressed by your hearty whistle. Your silly girlfriend might like it when you whistle using your two fingers, in fact, it might be the only reason she's with you, however, associates don't like it. Usually, the proper response to this, if you're an associate, is to act like it was something over the loud speaker and ignore it. Wait until that person can get the energy up to walk up and politely ask for your attention. CALLING THE ASSOCIATE MISTER, MISS It's just not proper. Here's the proper way, if you don't know their name: for the guys it's "sir" and for the ladies it's "ma'am." Actually, now that I think about it, if you run into me and you don't know me, don't call me by my name. Calling me by my first name only proves that you can read my nametag. It won't get you better service. CALLING THEM BY SAYING "HEY" That's right, it's for horses. Like your mom. TALKING TOO LOUD If you see the associate cringing when you speak, this is the reason. We don't care if you're macking a hearing aid. We don't want one when we get to be your age so keep it down. In fact, any unnecessary loud speech is enough to push us all over the edge. Speak softly. Trust us, you can get the same results in less time with much less effort if you keep it down. And, if you think that the best intimidator is to "get loud" and throw your weight around, you're terribly mistaken. Yelling at an associate because you're put out only makes matters worse and, in some cases, it can result in being walked out by the men in blue. Irate people are sores on society's ass. Be like me, bitter but not hateful. It's a fine line, but much more rewarding than just being a jerkoff with an attitude problem. FORGETTING WHAT YOU CALLED US ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE STORE FOR Let me put it the same way I put it on the short-lived but somewhat famed _East Texas Idiot List_: "The reason why labor is so high and my sales are so low (which, actually, my sales aren't so bad) is because I spend so much time answering questions like this and doing favors for idiots. During the course of the day, I see this about ten times an hour, eight hours a day. That's at least eighty minutes and that's eighty minutes that the company is paying me (sort of paying me) to do pertinent (sort of pertinent) work that, sooner or later (usually sooner) I will get evaluated on by how much work I do in a given amount of time and when I'm wasting eighty minutes a day, six hours a week answering stupid questions, that's massive amounts of time that mean the difference between a raise and working at the shitty rate I am now thus allowing me to pay rent, bills and car loans more easily. Don't bother me unless you have a very important question [and, in this case, you can ALSO remember it]. I gotta life to live." START TELLING AN ASSOCIATE STORIES OR JOKES It doesn't matter how interesting it might be, what applies just above applies here as well. You're boring. Skip the purchase and buy yourself a friend who cares. ARGUING ABOUT PRICE We don't care how much something is. It could be incredibly cheap or ridiculously expensive. Either way, we are taught that the price that is showing is what should be charged. Most retail associates don't work in a barter or bargaining situation. We charge ONE price. We don't vary on that price. Don't be cheap, if you don't like the price, then "go somewhere else." It doesn't matter because none of the employees are going to see a kickback anyway. We get paid the same, like it or not. And most of us don't ever argue price because we don't have the money to enter a store with in the first place. Find a cause in life. Save a whale. Don't buy fur. Just leave us alone. The price on the item is what helps pay us (as little as it is). When you argue price, it's like suggesting that we aren't worth it. Then, you fit under "insulting the associate." SHOPLIFT OR INSINUATE THAT YOU'RE GOING TO Shoplifters get the gas face. If you shoplift, you're trash. And there's not a better way to deny yourself good service than to act suspiciously as if you MIGHT or you WILL. Either one, we'll obviously kick you out. Two, we call the cops and we KNOW you don't want that to happen. Or three, we harass you politely until you leave. Sure, it's not good service, but you don't deserve any better. You can't even comprehend simple ideas like "value" and "respect." So why should we accommodate you? PRIDE YOURSELF ON YOUR MONEY AND YOUR VALUE TO THE COMPANY If I hear the words, "Do you know how much money I give this place?" one more damn time, I'm going to do bad things. I choose to answer it rhetorically with, "Do you know how much money we make off of assholes?" We can't stand people who make comments like this. In most cases, it's like saying, "I've got money and you don't." Such boldness and sheer arrogance can only be met with unfavorable emotions. Don't pull your money out and fold it in front of us. This is like taunting an individual like, "certainly I'll get good service because, shit, I got tons of cash." Unless you're going to give us a twenty off the top of that wad, we don't care. It works on the car lot, but not on the sales floor. And if we don't get commission, we REALLY don't care. Just put it back in your pocket, billfold, purse or whatever, we've all seen cash before and we know what a fifty looks like. Some people in the world still believe that money does not equal importance. In fact, many of them are working in the stores you frequent. Your green doesn't want to be seen unless it's going in a cash register. Or a sales associate back pocket. And mentioning your money or value is so very, well, talk is cheap. SIGHING A sigh or that premeditated "I'm-so-exhausted-hurry-up" breath is really our indication to prolong your misery. No, it's true. Believe it or not, this does not punch our panic button. It only puts you on the bottom of our priorities. We'll do anything before we help you. Pick our nose, take a piss, smoke a cigarette (shit, we'll even take up smoking), answer any and all phone calls, and help everyone else in the store before we'll even consider talking to you. Stand up straight and act attentive because the person who sighs is usually the person who, when it's their turn, take their precious time. Yes, we can sense body language and, yes, we can also hear your little sighs and groans. It pisses everyone off. You sigh in front of me and it'll be your last time. Very rude and inconsiderate. INTERRUPTING AN ASSOCIATE WHILE THEY'RE DOING SOMETHING ELSE Here's the lowdown, if an associate's attention is on anything else but you, wait until it is. Do not approach us and instantly begin belching out commands. You are not as important as you think you are. This is the beginning of the retail experience. After you figure in all the variables that alter the retail experience (i.e. pay rate, job satisfaction, incentive and motivators), customers usually come up very low on the list of concerns belonging to the typical associate. So if you approach an associate and that person's mouth is moving and you're not hearing any words coming your general direction, don't be an asshead and mind your manners. It's the same thing your mommy or daddy probably taught you long ago. No one likes to be interrupted. And if you walk up and an associate is speaking into what we know in retail as a "telephone" (a device that enables a person to talk to another person in a remote location), you'd better hope you don't catch the sharp end of that receiver square on the top of your head. Wait your turn. You wouldn't like it if it happened to you. There you go: the golden rule. Not just a good idea, but a way to ensure good customer service. ASKING AN ASSOCIATE, "DO YOU WORK HERE?" I answer with, "No, but don't tell me you don't like to dress like an idiot and do someone else's shitty work." Don't make us waste oxygen answering this question. It's dumb. Keep a head's up on what other associates are wearing and how they are acting. Here's a few key indicators: a nametag with the name of the store on it, a uniform of some sort (smock, apron, vest, bunny rabbit costume), people standing behind a register, someone coming out of a door marked "employees only," and so on. Be observant. I guarantee it will take less than a minute to figure it out. CROWDING AN ASSOCIATE The most common version of this is putting your body extremely close to an associate's body but it has different manifestations. For some reason, morons out there seem to think we invite this. For the most part, associates like their personal space to have a customer enter our security circle is unbelievably intrusive. We don't care if you didn't mean to get so close or if you were trying to cop a feel, stay arms-length away. Female associates REALLY don't like when customers get too close and you better brace yourself if you do. The guys don't like it either but we tend to make exceptions for the ladies who demand attention. Just don't assume anything. One day while at work, I had a man who managed to press his entire torso against my right arm while I was typing on the computer. He nearly caught a quick left. He's quite lucky he didn't have to explain to his wife that night why his face looked like a catcher's mitt. COMMITTING ANY SORT OF PHYSICAL VIOLENCE TOWARD AN ASSOCIATE Pushing, shoving, tripping, spitting on, kneeing, punching, kicking, slapping, administering a killer wedgie, farting on, biting, headbutting, eye gouging, hair pulling, throwing anything how ever big or small and/or body slamming. First offense is the last offense and any rebuttal from the associate is fair game. If you assault an associate in any way, shape or form, you better pray to the Lord above you knock us out clean." **** by j3ph / j3ph@msn.com copyright (c) 2002 SCUMDOG ENTERTAINMENT - http://scumdog.greeny.org/ all inquiries/rants/hate mail should be sent to: scumdog@greeny.org distributed by GwD Publications - http://www.greeny.org/pubz/ Made in Texas, USA, word word word